We are alive and kicking

I am trying everyday to remember to be humble and greatful. Yet i still have a shitty hand. I have a mom who is a mom but still isnt present. She is off doing whatever she feels like she can. Forgetting there are two kids at home who need her. She is in an all about me stage that is now going on about 11 months. Good Lord grow up. I see her myspace pictures and they disgust me. Whatever.

My brothers are doing well with thier ball games. I have to pick the youngest up tonight from the carnival as she is off somewhere. I say whatever.

Blake is keeping me on his toes. God I wish he would just behave. I dont know what to do with him. I love them both so much but he sucks the life right out of me. I am hoping with some adjusting and what not he will get back on track. Nathan is still a wild man. Dont think we will ever tame him. He is none stop. Both melt my heart daily.

The crazy is at it again. She took two bottles of pills for attention. She is not getting the attention she wants. Nor will we give it to her.

So as you know i am hanging in there.

Still Trying

I am still trying to learn how to cope with the boys autism. I find it so frustrating at times and then I have my husband who yels and screams like a friggen maniac in the morning. So you guessed it I wake in a terrible mood and am a total bitch the rest of the day. I get frustrated becasue they ruin everything they possibly can. They scream and yell and have fits the size of timbuktu. I would like to send them there most days. I am tired of the whining, the screeching and the back talk when they dont get there way.

I am tired of having to beg for help so I stop asking. I just go and deal like I always do. I continue to fester inside and hope that one day things will magically be better. I continue to hope that things will be ok. Yet they never get better. Do I have a partner in this NO. He wants to be disneyland. THe minute he is done yelling he is kissing their ass. Can I tell you how aggervating it really is.

When is my break. When do I get to just be. Have some peace and calm over this house.

coping, finding strength...

I have had some emails asking me what we have been doing as the one year creeps up on us. It isnt creeping. We feel that our breathing is quicking, Our strength is depleting. I wake each with the image of my dad in his casket. I hear the the casket being closed and him intrapped. I cant escape these images. I talked with my brothers this weekend Neither one forget there last image of my dad laying on a cold gurney. These are images that will haunt us for our life times.

I feel alone in that none of my friends understand the loss of a parent. Yet I know some have and havent reached out. I miss my dad everyday. I am watching my mom fade. I am watching her trying to scratch her way back to us yet she fades futher away.

I watch my brothers struggle. I watch them cry becasue they miss their dad. I watch my sister in silence never once admitting missing him. She keeps it all bottled. I cry myself to sleep because our family with few issues is slowly being blown apart. You cant completely recover from this.

I try and talk to my husband he says to get over it. I talk to my mom but it does nothing to make us sadder.

I know he will not be forgotten. I have talked to many about his story and about the importance of really talking to your doctor and being insistant that they do what you want them to do to make sure you get your quality care. Could my dad have been saved had we known about his heart condition I dont know. Could circumstances be different I dont know. What I do know is that he wasnt acting sick. He walked a march of dimes walk the sunday before with my cousin Ronald. He laughed joked and played with my boys at nates birthday party. I talked to him Monday. So I dont know.

My thoughts are deep and private. I have been trying to find outlets.I just want us to truly be happy and not be fake. We have to plaster smiles on most days. Some days I just want to sit in bed and hide. I want to feel better both mentally and physically. I dont complain about hurting all the time while we try and find the best meds for me. I keep plugging along.

I ask for help. I dont recieve it. I ask for my kids to be treated better by other they dont get that. All I want is for our Normal to actually be a better Normal...How do you deal with that?

There are days that I am fine. There are days i in a horrid mood. We just cope with the best that we know how. That is how we are dealing... just keep us in your thoughts your prayers. We are approching May 7th faster than we have anticipated....

where to start

I am not sure why I have been blue the past few days. All I want is the best. I hope and I pray for things to change for our luck to change. I am not happy and I cant put my finger on it. I had a blast this weekend. I am hoping to do the same this weekend. I am not sure what it is going to take for things to change. How can you change something you cant figure out? I dont know if it is because I know we are ten months into this greif process and i know that the one year mark is coming up. I am not sure how to deal with it.

I want to crawl up in someones arms and cry but then get told to get over that. I guess that is the hardest part. I am so sad that I am having to deal with this. I want my dad back. I am tired of telling my boys that he is watching and we are ok. That things will be ok. I am tired of hearing Blake tell me he wants to die in home depot like his grandpa. I cant tell you how many times I want to scream that I hate him for leaving.I still cry and the pain is still sitting inside.

I cant tell you how many people I have told that they need to watch their warning signs. I have explained that my dad at 39 years old had a heart attack and he was as healthy as an ox. So stop being stupid and get checked if you are not feeling well. I hate feeling like this family is forever changed and nothing is going to be fixed back to the way it should be. How can I fix it. This is something I cant fix.

I miss the days where I could call him and just tell him something the kids said. Hey good job on the house. I miss his laugh the most. I miss hearing him laugh so hard that he is crying. He had the best laugh. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss hearing him tell my kids stories. I miss my mom laughing for real not this fake shit she puts on. I miss my mom being able to really enjoy life and not have this mask. I miss my brothers telling me something dad did to them or them having there guy time with him. I guess your ok for the few months before you hit the one year mark. I just miss the way things were.


I hate that everyone is just fine. Noone is ever great. I am thinking it is time for an up in my meds or maybe I just needed to air out some junk and stop trying to fix everything and really feel. My mask has to come down at some point right? We all have to face our heartbreak.

Thanks for letting me get it out if anyone reads this. I just needed to empty myself..

how is it

That one person can get so far under your skin. They get you so worked up and yet at the same time you try and to have understanding of addiction.

I cant be that paient kind person towards danielle anymore. I see her no more than a freaken screw up addicted crack whore. I am sure she is no more than whore. How else do you support yourself without working or having public assistance. You whore yourself out.

Paul is stupid enough to believe that while his sister is back up her living with his mother that his mother should still have contact with the kids. I disagree. It is a bad idea becasue she is jeperodizing her own home. If i had the mean bone in my body that I so want to have I would call the leasing office myself. She knows she isnt to have danielle there yet she is there. Yet i dont because I know if she gets thrown out it will be her turning to us for a place to live. I am one to hand her a box. They are the bain of my exisitance. I have always told paul that they would be the reason I divorced him. He is an ass when it comes to them. I am one who can turn my back on family. Why because I dont need the drama and the toxic nature of them. I dont need it at all. Yet for some reason he is willing to allow it all in. I am waiting for him to put two and two togeather. He will the longer I hold out on wifely duties. I hate stupidity. I hate the craziness they put in my family and I am not willing to deal with it anymore.

we are faring...

Paul and I are doing alright. I think our getaway was worth it. I am suprised at how well we are doing being one income again. I am ready for this store to open so I can work it. I am ready for my daily breaks from the kids.

Blake is acting better. Sweet Tator is trying.

I am loving this level of med. All is happy. I am still however in pain and am trying to deal while we get things figured out for next weeks start of new meds. I cant wait for some relife. My kids are troopers they are really trying be good. Paul is dealing well with my late nights of discomfort.

I am hanging in there. May is starting to close in on us. I am missing my dad like crazy. Things are happening that I know he would be so proud of and yet we cant share the joy togeather. I am sad we cant. This year will be doing nates birthday outside the home. I cant even think of it being in the home. I am trying hard. I am crying less and less. Though brothers and sisters killed me this week. I couldnt help but wonder if he was that scared when his heart attack was happening. If he was all alone in the frigthend state. I just plain old miss him. I know blake is too. He starts tball soon and keeps asking about pop pop. It kills me.

I just breath and remember that everything does happen for a reason. Love is patient and kind right?

me me me

I am doing alright. I got let go from work a week early. Apparently they dont like the fact that you have given notice. I say whatever lol. Paul and I have been continuing with our once a week out to dinner. We are loving that. Not sure if we are going out this week or not. I hope. I enjoy the quite time. the boys are enjoying havin mom home and no babysitters.so it is nice.

We are still working on getting the laundry mat going. Cant wait for that to open.We will be living the american dream right? Open your own business and have your money work for you. At least that is what will happen soon enough. I will like that if i have to i can bring the kids to work with me. I can deal with the kids and get stuff done when needed. I will have the flexability. best part i will be boss. Woo Hoo!

we are excited for that. We are waiting to hear on Kaden what is happening there. We havent heard yet. We are jumpin hoops and i hope all for nought.