self sabatoging....

why do we do this. Instead of going for a walk or doing something productive. i am one to go to the fridge. Why is the food source of comfort for us. It has been my friend for all my life. The one thing that hasnt let me down. Sad if you ask me.

When my dad would tell me I would never amount to anything. Food was there. When my grandfather died food was there. When I came home and cried everyday after school for being teased food was my friend. Any major event in life it has been there.

I cant divorce this we need food to sustain life. I do know I am not going to allow it to control me anymore. I am going for another fill on wednesday. I am jump starting again and will succeed at this. I am going to finish losing this weight. I am going to stop allowing it to control me. I am so tried of feeling badly about myself.

I broke down yeasterday as my three year old called me fat. I know he doesnt under stand what he is saying. I have not been myself. I have forgotten the inner strength I have found. it is now time to reclaim that. I am not willing to let this go. I have given up on myself. How can you expect and accept anyone else love of you. If you cant do that yourself??

I dont think you can. I have so many doors opening up for me and I am going to walk through them with my head held high and not let my self loathing get in my way. Paul and I did a photo shoot the other night and I cant get past how bad I look. I am going to redo these photos when I have had all my surgeries and be happy at how far i have come :)

here are few of the good ones