I have been going back and forth on wether or not to do a new blog. I decided that I wanted a place that I could be an adult and not have to worry about it being mixed in with the stuff about my kids.
In the last 4 months I have come to realize that my writing is my outlet on my pain and greif. Not only that it gives me a place to vent, Laugh and share what is going on in our world without the likes of my kids. These last four months have been the most trying of my life time.
I not only have my mom and her kids to deal with. I have my husband and my own family. It is hard for me to say no. I just dont know how to do it. I had my brothers from june thru the beginning of august every weekend. While my mom is living it up as a teenager again. Watching my brothers cry and just look so sad. She cant face her reality. She says she does but I am not so sure that she does. I dont know what she is feeling. I dont even want to imagine it. How do you help someone who is spinning out of control? I sure the hell dont know. I wish I did. I miss my dad tremendously. I also Miss my mom. My mom who used to laugh and have fun. My mom who was always there no matter what. Maybe this is selfish of me. This is all like a dream and we havent woken up yet. I know my dad isnt coming back. I know that life will never be the same. I know that I will always have this whole in my heart. My kids are missing out on their pop pop. I know my mom misses her husband tremendously. I just want her to know that I love her and I am proud of her. We miss her but she if finely seeking approprite help. She this week is on the beachs of CA and getting her head togeather. I talked to her last night and she sounded so good.She sounded like she had rested for the first time in months. She is a survior. I know we will make it through.
I have learned in the last four months how to say no. I have learned how not to enable peoples bad choices. I have learned how to keep our lives somewhat normal. While I have felt out of control with pain and grief. My mom found a wonderful lady Natali (no thats not spelled wrong:) ) She is has been a great venting place and a great teacher. She has taught us a great deal about our limits and testing of those limits.
My kids are getting the best mom they can at this point. I have started being selfish! Is there something wrong with that? God I hope not. I have been planning my own trip out to CA for a class I want to take and some site seeing. I would never think about leaving my husband and kids behind but this is something I have to do for me. Something I have to do to prove that I am not as codependent as I think I am.
So here is to new beginnings. I am one who is so what if people read. I know I now have an outlet. Where I can be a bit cranky if need be.
Until next time.
