Thanksgiving...

It is that time of year again to say what you are thankful for...
I am thankful for the following
my health
my family
our home
my friends
my job

We are having thanksgivng at home this year with some friends. While we wont be seeing family I hope they enjoy their day. I hope they soon realize I did what I did because I was concerned. Last I knew that is what familys do for eachother they voice their concern.

9 days until we leave for new hampshire. I cannot wait. I need this trip. I need this time with my husband and my children to just have fun and relax and do things on our own time.

My lesson has been to stop and be thankful for the small things we do have. To turn control over to the universe and realize things will happen when they are happen and ment to be. This has been a huge struggle for me but I am doing it little by little.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

so very excited

I am not needing the biopsy. I got my blood results today.We were talking and going through my file at the same time. i think we found the answer to my problems. I think it has to do with some meds I was on. Now that i have been off for 2.5 weeks my numbers in my liver functions have dropped dramatically. Think the pills may have been the issue. Thank god for small miracles. i am going to continue on with the light diet for a bit but not as strict as i would have been.

i am excited that in two weeks we will be going away. Our family needs this desperately. I am excited that we are going to do this.

We are still wondering if Paul's boss is going to fire him or not. He is a egotistical jerk. He is spoiled and thinks everyone is below him. I already told paul if it happens to simply empty out his computer contents. Then find craig and let him know what his son has done. Craig likes him. Denny for some reason or another has issues with people he feels threatend by. He knows Paul is a huge asset. Sad thing his friends dont sell and they are still there. Aggervates me with favortism. I guess that is what happens when you let a little 23 year old punk run a car dealership and hasnt a clue what he is doing...

a week of liquids...

This should be easy right? I am beginning to think not. I am on day one and hating every minute of it. Who was the idiot that invented jello? Does it not weird you out the way it moves but doesnt loose shape. Yeah that is my diet for the next 7 days. If god was doing me a favor he would have moved my biopsy to the day after tday. Lord knows I dont want that meal.

What are alkaphosates and what is the puropse. I know they have something to do with the liver. They are saying that i am spilling to much and it can cause trouble with my lvier. Lucky me.

So this week ought to be hellish.

self sabatoging....

why do we do this. Instead of going for a walk or doing something productive. i am one to go to the fridge. Why is the food source of comfort for us. It has been my friend for all my life. The one thing that hasnt let me down. Sad if you ask me.

When my dad would tell me I would never amount to anything. Food was there. When my grandfather died food was there. When I came home and cried everyday after school for being teased food was my friend. Any major event in life it has been there.

I cant divorce this we need food to sustain life. I do know I am not going to allow it to control me anymore. I am going for another fill on wednesday. I am jump starting again and will succeed at this. I am going to finish losing this weight. I am going to stop allowing it to control me. I am so tried of feeling badly about myself.

I broke down yeasterday as my three year old called me fat. I know he doesnt under stand what he is saying. I have not been myself. I have forgotten the inner strength I have found. it is now time to reclaim that. I am not willing to let this go. I have given up on myself. How can you expect and accept anyone else love of you. If you cant do that yourself??

I dont think you can. I have so many doors opening up for me and I am going to walk through them with my head held high and not let my self loathing get in my way. Paul and I did a photo shoot the other night and I cant get past how bad I look. I am going to redo these photos when I have had all my surgeries and be happy at how far i have come :)

here are few of the good ones

love this song...

the first one is in my profile

the other is this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huQB3iyuPYcis one

what do you do when you are sad?

I write and write. I am in this funk and it is getting worse. Time to up the meds I do believe.

I am sad that I dont have my dad. I know that he is with me. I still find myself chatting at him.Like he is listening. I guess I find comfort in talking with him. I hope he listens at times. I hope he is looking after my mom.

I am so sad and so angry that she is refusing to see that I was trying to find her all the resources to help her. Yet I am the bad guy. I know she will realize it sooner or later but come on.Are you really pulling this shit around the holidays? I seriously think she is. Havent heard from her in a week. Ok I get you are angry but not let my brothers talk to me. are you serious?

I get that she is hurting. I think she has forgotten we all are hurting too. I had my breaking point today when I was born by the river came on and remembering how my dad said he loved the version jennifer hudson did on idol. It has always been one of my favorite songs. I am angry at her, angry at him for dying.

What I wouldnt give just to have our family back to normal. I have had crazy dreams about when we had his wake. I will be glad to start therapy back up. I need to have a safe place to talk and right now I dont feel like I have that. I dont have the normal life for my kids that i had. I hate that some how I always end up the bad person. Yet no one else had the balls to stand up to her and tell her to stop acting like a child.

Why am I so angry..

I have been so angry lately. I am not sure why. I think it has to do with my mom. I know I am angry at her for being such a shit lately. What am I suposed to do. I ignore her. Fine shes not talking to me. She is being a baby becasuse she is being a baby about me slapping her in the face with the truth.

she is acting like a teenager with hormones out of control, instead of a widow. i know she has needs but how about respecting herself enough not to act like a whore. i am just disgusted with her behavior. I am disgusted with how she thinks this is ok. Shit my dads body is just getting cold. i am angry because she is not being the mom we need. what about her children who are grieving? we have been basically been told to suck wind. so i guess that is what we will do.

Unfortantly for her it most likely will be to late when she is ready to come back into the picture. I am not willing to watch her do this the rest of her life. i am not willing to watch her just think what she is doing ok.

Today I have realized blood doesnt always mean family. My boys know they are loved. They know we care for them. We dont need blood all the time. love knows no boundries right? I realize that they are missing out on the type of grandparents i had. there is nothing i can do that will make it better for them. I do know it wont be for lack of trying on my part. i know we give these children everything they need and more. we have found ways to make up for it. It will be on the grandparents shoulders that they suck.

Sorry i had to get this out. it has been eating at me all day long.

6 months

It has been six months since he left us. I still have the panic in my chest from that phone call. I still get the weak feeling in my knees every time I remember that I cant call and tell him what the grand babies just did. I still get the weak feeling when I realize how far out of control my mom is. I pray that she will bring herself back in. Will this ever go away?

I am thinking not. I hope that my kids continue to remember their pop pop and enjoy hearing the stories that we have share with them. I miss my dad. I miss my confidant in my mom.

In six months everything has changed from familiar to so drastically unfamiliar.....


I am waiting for this wound to close....... will it ever get easier????

My mother is a freak...

Why do I say this? I don't know who she is anymore. She is out tramping around. At 49 years old she should know better. What kind of an example is giving her children. Mind you she has a 13 and 15 year old at home. I am disgusted by her behavior. She sent me a f*** you letter yesterday.

I did what I thought was right by sending her a letter to her counselor and letting them know what is going on beyond php life... Like the fact my brothers haven't been home one weekend in 5 months.

Today is the 6 month anniversary since we lost my dad. I am sad not to have him here. When he left my mom has turned crazy. I don't think there is any reeling her in. I have had to let go and let her fly on her own. When she crashes against her rock bottom. I will not be there to rebuild them for her. She will have to do that on her own.

The sad part is that she thinks she is the only one dealt a shitty hand. Well we all have been. I have folded my cards and ask for a redo. I am so tired of her running around and self centered person she has become. I just don't know what to do with her. I am so confused. That is why I have walked away. I cant watch the self destruction that she is going through right now.

I hope she has it in her to get her life together. I have been her biggest supporter these last 6 months. There to pick up the pieces when she couldn't do it herself and that is my mistake. I am so tired of try to be this superhero. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to. end of story.

well i sent my moms

counslor the letter I wrote and I feel better for it. I hope she realizes I am doing tough love out of love for her. My mom was always someone about her children and now she has turned selfish and so detached. So i hope she will wake up and see the light.

i am feeling good. I am proud of myself.

just stuff....

I have been feeling a bit better the past few days. I would feel better when I have all mystuff in house ;0) i will get there right?

Life is busy. I am hoping work picks up soon. i could use the extra money. Pauls boss is being a jerk about the money. I am not happy about that. I am so not happy about that. the fact he is even less helpful drives me more nuts. He doesnt have a wife or kids to support so he doesnt understant that holding up Pauls money is more of a big deal.

so I have completed a few things off my bucket list......time to add a few more. this one i have to sit down and really think about it.

I have learned this week divorce of stupid people is really a good thing. I am thinking I may have to do the same to my mom until she gets her shit togeather. As much as i love her she is killing me. She just expects and it driving me nuts with it.

It is what it is right.....

off to the boys blog to blog about halloween...