good bye 2008

A day early but with all that will be going on tomorrow. i decided to ake the quite and write. I say good by 2008. This ohad to be one of the worst years of my life. We have had to say goodbye to so many things. It has been a test in our faith and family. I think we will be ok. I think things will have to look up from here on out. I am ready for it to be one and over with.

in 2009 I am committing to the following

- rememberin that it is ok to have me time
- to spend at least a half hour a day of quality uninterupted time with my children each day
- to remember to show my husband how much i adore and love him
-to continue my sliming down journey and exercise daily
-to keep things oraganized. this was a strenght until losing my dad and is now just plain driving me batt.
to maintain a proper budget

so there are my committments.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday

so heartbroken

My heart is so broken. I am sitting her sobbing. I dont what makes me more mad.
1. that i gave up my parts so willingly
2. that my kids are being judged so harshly
3.that i have held out hope for over a year now that we would be placed and now that is gone.

I may look into other alturnitives who knows. I am done with department of family and services.

merry fucking christmas to my family

whats been up

i have been busy preping stuff for xmas eve dinner. i think i have the menu planned.
we will be having
turkey, sweet and russet sage mashed taters, butternut squash, green bean cassrole, vanilla glazed carrots and peas
for dessert there will be a pie or trimisu...
This will be the first xmas eve we will be hosting and I cant wait. I know my boys will be excited. I will be busy cleaning and baking this week and weekend. we are planning to go to the live nativity on the green this weekend. We are trying to remain the holiday spirit but it is taking so much work on my part. so we shall see.

I am nervous about christmas day. I havent seen or spoken to my mom in 8 weeks. I am tired of her crap. I am tired of her affecting my life negitively. I am not willing to back down. So until she can get herself together and organzied and apologize am not going to speak with her. I am fine with that.

I wish my dad were here with us. I know he will be with us in spirit. i just wish things were back to how they were.

busy...

I have been busy. Friday night Paul and I went to my aunt and uncles house to see my brothers. It was good to see the stinkers. I love them like crazy. James is as crazy as ever and Joel poor boy think he was blessed to sing...we wont tell him otherwise. Then saturday my hubby took me on a date to margaritaville in the sun casino. We also so 4 christmases hystarical. Sunday I went out with my aunt and babci to get pedis done. so nice and relaxing.

my toes look great. I love the fact that you get the parifin wax and hot stone massages. those are my favorite.

well off to see if i can find my hobby today

no need to bore you with the details

I \had a post written but tired of feeling like such a lonely loser i will spare you the borning details. another day anoter bore

Lonely

I have been so lonely lately. I have been wondering why. I figured it out. The close knit friends that I thought were my friends. Are gone. I asked them to go. How much effort can you put in a give only relationship. I now when I need someone to talk to i have my husband and tracy. Sometimes it would be nice to know that you had a few others to turn to.I am greatful to have those two. I guess I would just like to have a few more.

I have been stressed and tired. I have been hurting for the last month and half. I havent had time to just decompress. I am just hoping that I can get out of my funk and just keep my head up. I havent been able to do that lately. Everything seems like such a task. A chore. I am trying to stay in the holiday spirit and it is
just not working. I hate the fact everytime things look up I have another road block i am tired of struggling over and over again.

I tried to explain to Paul I feel like I am living in my own private hell. I just feel down and lonly. maybe I am who knows. I have had my meds upped and am not seeing much change.

I hope to be out of this funk soon....................

santa village video

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Just sad

We have 16 days till christmas. My mom still hasnt talked to me. I have emailed with no response. Would I do anything different absolutly not. Someone has to stand up for my brothers and fight for them. Do I wish she would see I was trying to help absolutly. Is that going to happen nope.
I am dreading christmas this year. I am waiting for it to turn around but I am not sure it will. My heart just aches. I ask my dad for guidence everyday but he just doesnt send an answer I am getting. I wish I had a crystal ball.

Not to mention one of my clients families have decided they dont need friday saturday care. so that changes my pay and means i am making less. I cant afford to make less right now. So now I am stressing about that. I am not sure what I will do.

Santas Village
Current mood: blessed


This weekend we went on an adventure. We had a blast. We went up north to NH. We stayed in Gorham at the Royalty Inn. It was the best experince we have ever had with a hotel. Talk about CLEAN!!!!!

The drive up was uneventful. It was gorgous. I so enjoyed just looking around at the lightly snow spotted mountins. We checked in and got everyone changed and ready for dinner. Right on cue Nate started with his fever. Great. Over to Crabby Jacks we went. 100 feet from our room door. Then Paul always thinking looked up walmart on his gps. What luck a mile away was super walmart. WOO HOO. meds for nate and drinks for the room. Didnt know they had mini fridges and microwave.

Get back and tuck everyone in to watch Drake and Josh's christmas specail. Really cute.

Kids wake at 5 am. Good lord must have been the napping in the car and a good nights sleep. so we put on toon toons and tried to finish sleeping. At 7 we are out the door to Crabby Jacks for breakfast. It is buffet style. Loved it. The food was great. We head back to the room and get showers and kids bundled. Next year ski pants for kids and thermals for the adults. It was cold. We left at 9 to go sight seeing. It was just pretty! I cant even begin to discribe the beauty up there. Still didnt see any moose but maybe next year.

1045 we arrive at santas village and get in the express line as we already have our tickets. We chatted with other families around us. You could just feel the christmas spirit around you. I really needed it that. This year things just didnt have its luster.Now I am in the mood :)We got in the first thing we went on was the carousel that was nothing but santas reindeer. Then over to the elfabet University. Had to get our stuff for the kids to do. We did all the rides we could. We ate at burgermeister for lunch. the food was excellent. We fed the reindeer. they are beautiful creatures. We had so much fun. The last ride of the night was santas monorail how gorgous the place was all lit up.

We were back to the hotel for pizza hut that night. We ordered a side of the mac and cheese pasta amazing you all need to try it. Off to bed. We got up got our breakfast yet again at crabby jacks. Off to the room to pack up. We headed out at 8. We stopped at outlet malls and texas roadhouse for dinner. it snowed most of the drive home but the roads were fine. We had a blast.

I hope next year some you can experince this with us. We are going the first weekend of december again. It is so worth the money spent. hell for 200.00 you get some meals, your passes and the best hotel room ever.

pics to come later

Thanksgiving...

It is that time of year again to say what you are thankful for...
I am thankful for the following
my health
my family
our home
my friends
my job

We are having thanksgivng at home this year with some friends. While we wont be seeing family I hope they enjoy their day. I hope they soon realize I did what I did because I was concerned. Last I knew that is what familys do for eachother they voice their concern.

9 days until we leave for new hampshire. I cannot wait. I need this trip. I need this time with my husband and my children to just have fun and relax and do things on our own time.

My lesson has been to stop and be thankful for the small things we do have. To turn control over to the universe and realize things will happen when they are happen and ment to be. This has been a huge struggle for me but I am doing it little by little.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

so very excited

I am not needing the biopsy. I got my blood results today.We were talking and going through my file at the same time. i think we found the answer to my problems. I think it has to do with some meds I was on. Now that i have been off for 2.5 weeks my numbers in my liver functions have dropped dramatically. Think the pills may have been the issue. Thank god for small miracles. i am going to continue on with the light diet for a bit but not as strict as i would have been.

i am excited that in two weeks we will be going away. Our family needs this desperately. I am excited that we are going to do this.

We are still wondering if Paul's boss is going to fire him or not. He is a egotistical jerk. He is spoiled and thinks everyone is below him. I already told paul if it happens to simply empty out his computer contents. Then find craig and let him know what his son has done. Craig likes him. Denny for some reason or another has issues with people he feels threatend by. He knows Paul is a huge asset. Sad thing his friends dont sell and they are still there. Aggervates me with favortism. I guess that is what happens when you let a little 23 year old punk run a car dealership and hasnt a clue what he is doing...

a week of liquids...

This should be easy right? I am beginning to think not. I am on day one and hating every minute of it. Who was the idiot that invented jello? Does it not weird you out the way it moves but doesnt loose shape. Yeah that is my diet for the next 7 days. If god was doing me a favor he would have moved my biopsy to the day after tday. Lord knows I dont want that meal.

What are alkaphosates and what is the puropse. I know they have something to do with the liver. They are saying that i am spilling to much and it can cause trouble with my lvier. Lucky me.

So this week ought to be hellish.

self sabatoging....

why do we do this. Instead of going for a walk or doing something productive. i am one to go to the fridge. Why is the food source of comfort for us. It has been my friend for all my life. The one thing that hasnt let me down. Sad if you ask me.

When my dad would tell me I would never amount to anything. Food was there. When my grandfather died food was there. When I came home and cried everyday after school for being teased food was my friend. Any major event in life it has been there.

I cant divorce this we need food to sustain life. I do know I am not going to allow it to control me anymore. I am going for another fill on wednesday. I am jump starting again and will succeed at this. I am going to finish losing this weight. I am going to stop allowing it to control me. I am so tried of feeling badly about myself.

I broke down yeasterday as my three year old called me fat. I know he doesnt under stand what he is saying. I have not been myself. I have forgotten the inner strength I have found. it is now time to reclaim that. I am not willing to let this go. I have given up on myself. How can you expect and accept anyone else love of you. If you cant do that yourself??

I dont think you can. I have so many doors opening up for me and I am going to walk through them with my head held high and not let my self loathing get in my way. Paul and I did a photo shoot the other night and I cant get past how bad I look. I am going to redo these photos when I have had all my surgeries and be happy at how far i have come :)

here are few of the good ones

love this song...

the first one is in my profile

the other is this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huQB3iyuPYcis one

what do you do when you are sad?

I write and write. I am in this funk and it is getting worse. Time to up the meds I do believe.

I am sad that I dont have my dad. I know that he is with me. I still find myself chatting at him.Like he is listening. I guess I find comfort in talking with him. I hope he listens at times. I hope he is looking after my mom.

I am so sad and so angry that she is refusing to see that I was trying to find her all the resources to help her. Yet I am the bad guy. I know she will realize it sooner or later but come on.Are you really pulling this shit around the holidays? I seriously think she is. Havent heard from her in a week. Ok I get you are angry but not let my brothers talk to me. are you serious?

I get that she is hurting. I think she has forgotten we all are hurting too. I had my breaking point today when I was born by the river came on and remembering how my dad said he loved the version jennifer hudson did on idol. It has always been one of my favorite songs. I am angry at her, angry at him for dying.

What I wouldnt give just to have our family back to normal. I have had crazy dreams about when we had his wake. I will be glad to start therapy back up. I need to have a safe place to talk and right now I dont feel like I have that. I dont have the normal life for my kids that i had. I hate that some how I always end up the bad person. Yet no one else had the balls to stand up to her and tell her to stop acting like a child.

Why am I so angry..

I have been so angry lately. I am not sure why. I think it has to do with my mom. I know I am angry at her for being such a shit lately. What am I suposed to do. I ignore her. Fine shes not talking to me. She is being a baby becasuse she is being a baby about me slapping her in the face with the truth.

she is acting like a teenager with hormones out of control, instead of a widow. i know she has needs but how about respecting herself enough not to act like a whore. i am just disgusted with her behavior. I am disgusted with how she thinks this is ok. Shit my dads body is just getting cold. i am angry because she is not being the mom we need. what about her children who are grieving? we have been basically been told to suck wind. so i guess that is what we will do.

Unfortantly for her it most likely will be to late when she is ready to come back into the picture. I am not willing to watch her do this the rest of her life. i am not willing to watch her just think what she is doing ok.

Today I have realized blood doesnt always mean family. My boys know they are loved. They know we care for them. We dont need blood all the time. love knows no boundries right? I realize that they are missing out on the type of grandparents i had. there is nothing i can do that will make it better for them. I do know it wont be for lack of trying on my part. i know we give these children everything they need and more. we have found ways to make up for it. It will be on the grandparents shoulders that they suck.

Sorry i had to get this out. it has been eating at me all day long.

6 months

It has been six months since he left us. I still have the panic in my chest from that phone call. I still get the weak feeling in my knees every time I remember that I cant call and tell him what the grand babies just did. I still get the weak feeling when I realize how far out of control my mom is. I pray that she will bring herself back in. Will this ever go away?

I am thinking not. I hope that my kids continue to remember their pop pop and enjoy hearing the stories that we have share with them. I miss my dad. I miss my confidant in my mom.

In six months everything has changed from familiar to so drastically unfamiliar.....


I am waiting for this wound to close....... will it ever get easier????

My mother is a freak...

Why do I say this? I don't know who she is anymore. She is out tramping around. At 49 years old she should know better. What kind of an example is giving her children. Mind you she has a 13 and 15 year old at home. I am disgusted by her behavior. She sent me a f*** you letter yesterday.

I did what I thought was right by sending her a letter to her counselor and letting them know what is going on beyond php life... Like the fact my brothers haven't been home one weekend in 5 months.

Today is the 6 month anniversary since we lost my dad. I am sad not to have him here. When he left my mom has turned crazy. I don't think there is any reeling her in. I have had to let go and let her fly on her own. When she crashes against her rock bottom. I will not be there to rebuild them for her. She will have to do that on her own.

The sad part is that she thinks she is the only one dealt a shitty hand. Well we all have been. I have folded my cards and ask for a redo. I am so tired of her running around and self centered person she has become. I just don't know what to do with her. I am so confused. That is why I have walked away. I cant watch the self destruction that she is going through right now.

I hope she has it in her to get her life together. I have been her biggest supporter these last 6 months. There to pick up the pieces when she couldn't do it herself and that is my mistake. I am so tired of try to be this superhero. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to. end of story.

well i sent my moms

counslor the letter I wrote and I feel better for it. I hope she realizes I am doing tough love out of love for her. My mom was always someone about her children and now she has turned selfish and so detached. So i hope she will wake up and see the light.

i am feeling good. I am proud of myself.

just stuff....

I have been feeling a bit better the past few days. I would feel better when I have all mystuff in house ;0) i will get there right?

Life is busy. I am hoping work picks up soon. i could use the extra money. Pauls boss is being a jerk about the money. I am not happy about that. I am so not happy about that. the fact he is even less helpful drives me more nuts. He doesnt have a wife or kids to support so he doesnt understant that holding up Pauls money is more of a big deal.

so I have completed a few things off my bucket list......time to add a few more. this one i have to sit down and really think about it.

I have learned this week divorce of stupid people is really a good thing. I am thinking I may have to do the same to my mom until she gets her shit togeather. As much as i love her she is killing me. She just expects and it driving me nuts with it.

It is what it is right.....

off to the boys blog to blog about halloween...

In a funk...

The last few days I have been in a funk. The closer to the 6 month mark the sadder I feel. I just want my dad back. I want my mom back. How do you keep yourself from going crazy? I am not sure. I havent worked out nothing logistics yet?I am trying. I went to call him today to tell him about the funny stuff that happened at the christmas tree shop. Realized I couldnt. I think that is the hardest part. I miss that. I miss being able to call him. To see him. To hear the infectious laugh that we all teased him about.

I dont know why I am having such a hard time. I have yet to figure that out. I feel like so much unfinished business. I am not sure. i guess he has some too.

I got some new christmas stuff and wished I could share it with him. who knows maybe he will pop in for a visit... Guess God needs him more than we do.

Blake was crying last night at how much he missed him. I think that has bothered me more than anything else. He misses his pop pop and I cant fix that. So i printed him a picture and let him pick a frame. poor kid lost two grandparents in a matter of three months. How do you help him deal with that. He starts counseling in two weeks. I think it will be good for him.

So I guess this funk will pass too.

divorced.... some other stuff....

from a few friends and i feel like a new woman. Funny how my heart has lightened. How my out look has changed.

i am glad I did what i needed too. How long do you let someone walk all over you? I was letting it happen. I wasnt sure why. I know why now though. I didnt want to have to work on my own stuff. If I had someone elses then I could avoid my own dirty work. That is no way to live. I am still in my own personal prison.

I have started my bucket list.
-i want to accomplish half my weight loss goal by the end of the year
- i want to be able to enjoy the holidays and miss my dad very little. i know this is what he would want
- to create meaningful lasting relationships
-to travel to somewhere fun
-to make sure that i have at least 15 minutes a day by myself to unwind
-to set my boundries
-to take time to write

there are other more personal ones. I have gotten a gym membership and hired a personal trainer so that is cool. i am going to start working with her next month. she is away this week.
i am planning a few trips. some with family some with the boys home by themselves.

We are going away frist weekend of december with some family friends. i am excited about that. i cant wait to go. I am sad that my mom is chosing to sit out. i really miss my mom. she is not the same. i know why. i just want a mom who has a intrest in her family and doing things with her family. I invited her to go away with us and there was no intrest what so ever. that bothers me why i dont know. my old mom would have been for it. My dad maybe not but maybe so becasue he and the boys could go skiing.

so that is where we are at

how to let someone know they are overbearing...

I am so tired of feeling pressured all around. I am so overwhelemed and dont know what to do. I have my husband demanding my attention. My kids demanding my attention. What the hell? When is there time for me to just sit and relax and think or read? I have yet to find that. i am still searching. Guess I will have to keep searching. That is ok though.

Paul and I joined a Gym today. I am so excited about that. I needed a motivator and am now glad I have found that. I am so close to being there. I am having to put my LA trip on hold but I am ok with that. I dont know why but I am. Gives me more time to save for it I guess.

Paul is one step closer to opening his own business. i am so very thankful that we will start having an honest income that we wont have to worry about. We are finally able to have a income that the state cant say we make to much. Thank God!!! i cant wait for that time. We get our insurance through the state and it is a constant battle. We cant afford it through Gates. He only pays for paul and we are looking at 500.00 a month for me and the boys. we cant afford that. So this will relive that stress from us. I am also glad that in a few years we wont have to work as hard to make money. Our money will be working for us. That is important to me and my family.

So I guess my question for today is how do you tell someone they are demanding to much from you????? I have yet to figure out. I am not giving the specific for personal reasons but I have two people that I need to tell to back off. How do you do it?

unsettled....

My life just seems unsettled right now. I am not sure why. I guess as things happen I will figure it out.

I am making changes all around. I have divorced some friends who were take take take. who have unrealistic goals in friendship. I feel better for it. Other friends I have been worried about. As they are facing trials and tribulations. Then there are just friends that I laugh at for hours.

I am making changes with in our home. I am working hard to get our boys to be better. Shame some people just dont understand them or their ailgments. We do the best with what we have. when you have doctors and teachers fighting you. You have family and friends fight you. You feel alone. i think that is what paul and i are dealing with at the moment. we have never felt so isolated and so alone in our craziness. We are making do.

I am putting up boundries with my mom. That has been very difficult for us. As I have always been family first. I know the challenges she is going to face. Right now she needs me to say no. My brothers need me to say no.

I have been having really weird vivid dreams. I dont know what it is but they have left me feeling unsettled as well. I am patiently waiting the second.

6 days that is it

Six days and I am out of here. I am gone on family vaction!!! Who can wait for that. We are trying to plan what we are going to do. I am looking at finding some cool places to stop along the way home. I think we are going to try and drive through the night. who knows. Boys are excited.

Tonight we have to go to target and buy the air mattress. and snacks and all that happy horse shit. Then Tuesday will be laundry day. Wednesday I will start the packing. Can we say excited. Nope I am not waiting last minute either.

off for some coffee and tea with Natali..

What is it about me that I get shafted?

I have a "friend" who for one reason or another always has some reason as to why she cant hang out. I had said the night before how much I needed this and was looking foward to it. I have been having a hard time with everything lately and it would have been nice to just cuddle up on the couch with a blanket a movie and bowl of popcorn and just laugh. I need to laugh right now. I havent done it in so very long. To the point where my sides hurt. I need one of those nights. Nope I think what pisses me off more is that I dont even get a phone call. I get a message on myspace. Am I not worthy of the phone call? I am just tired of my feelings being trampled over. I dont understand why it is so hard to find a good friend. One that doesnt live miles and miles away. Maybe it is me. Do I stink? Do I suck that bad as a friend. Well if I do I am truly sorry. In case you havent noticed I have 2 kids, a husband, A mom, Brothers, School and so much more. We are dealing with greiving people. I try and make time to send a email, a card in the mail, do a quick phone call. I didnt realize this was such a huge issue. People know they can call day or night with an issue. I would listen and help when I can. Yet for some reason my feelings dont matter. I am just so hurt :(

In other news my trip to California is looking better and better. We will be staying outside of LA. I cant wait. I am so excited for a girls week. Gives me something to look foward to. In just a few days we will be leaving for OH. I cant wait. I am so excited. At least i know i will laugh. Five kids and preggo lady how can you not.

Work is good. I enjoy them. It will be strange with how my schedual is falling for things to be a bit crazy. That i wont see them consistantly.

LA and Stuff.

I will be flying out to LA in the second week of June. I am so excited. It is a girls week. My mom is going with me and I think her girlfriend patty. Though i am not sure. We shall see. My mom is there right now visiting with her friend. Sounds like she is having a blast. She went to LA Ink and so many other cool places. I cant wait to see the pictures.

This week has been dragging by and I supose the next 10 days will do the same. I am hoping we wont take the full 11 hours to get to ohio. Can you imagine with two kids. Who willl be ready to run a bit. I wish I didnt have school that day. I have no choice. At least we will be on the road by 10. Thank god for small favors. I am hoping we can do this in 8 hours but who knows. Paul drives like a maniac. 5hour trips usually take 2.5 to 3 depending on traffic. So i am hoping we dont hit any rush hour crap!!!

I have to work tonight and thurdsday. school every day. friday my girlfriend is coming to visit we havnt seen her since may. boy have we missed her. so this should be fun and full of pics.

Opening Day and Why I know have this one...

I have been going back and forth on wether or not to do a new blog. I decided that I wanted a place that I could be an adult and not have to worry about it being mixed in with the stuff about my kids.

In the last 4 months I have come to realize that my writing is my outlet on my pain and greif. Not only that it gives me a place to vent, Laugh and share what is going on in our world without the likes of my kids. These last four months have been the most trying of my life time.

I not only have my mom and her kids to deal with. I have my husband and my own family. It is hard for me to say no. I just dont know how to do it. I had my brothers from june thru the beginning of august every weekend. While my mom is living it up as a teenager again. Watching my brothers cry and just look so sad. She cant face her reality. She says she does but I am not so sure that she does. I dont know what she is feeling. I dont even want to imagine it. How do you help someone who is spinning out of control? I sure the hell dont know. I wish I did. I miss my dad tremendously. I also Miss my mom. My mom who used to laugh and have fun. My mom who was always there no matter what. Maybe this is selfish of me. This is all like a dream and we havent woken up yet. I know my dad isnt coming back. I know that life will never be the same. I know that I will always have this whole in my heart. My kids are missing out on their pop pop. I know my mom misses her husband tremendously. I just want her to know that I love her and I am proud of her. We miss her but she if finely seeking approprite help. She this week is on the beachs of CA and getting her head togeather. I talked to her last night and she sounded so good.She sounded like she had rested for the first time in months. She is a survior. I know we will make it through.

I have learned in the last four months how to say no. I have learned how not to enable peoples bad choices. I have learned how to keep our lives somewhat normal. While I have felt out of control with pain and grief. My mom found a wonderful lady Natali (no thats not spelled wrong:) ) She is has been a great venting place and a great teacher. She has taught us a great deal about our limits and testing of those limits.

My kids are getting the best mom they can at this point. I have started being selfish! Is there something wrong with that? God I hope not. I have been planning my own trip out to CA for a class I want to take and some site seeing. I would never think about leaving my husband and kids behind but this is something I have to do for me. Something I have to do to prove that I am not as codependent as I think I am.

So here is to new beginnings. I am one who is so what if people read. I know I now have an outlet. Where I can be a bit cranky if need be.

Until next time.