In a funk...

The last few days I have been in a funk. The closer to the 6 month mark the sadder I feel. I just want my dad back. I want my mom back. How do you keep yourself from going crazy? I am not sure. I havent worked out nothing logistics yet?I am trying. I went to call him today to tell him about the funny stuff that happened at the christmas tree shop. Realized I couldnt. I think that is the hardest part. I miss that. I miss being able to call him. To see him. To hear the infectious laugh that we all teased him about.

I dont know why I am having such a hard time. I have yet to figure that out. I feel like so much unfinished business. I am not sure. i guess he has some too.

I got some new christmas stuff and wished I could share it with him. who knows maybe he will pop in for a visit... Guess God needs him more than we do.

Blake was crying last night at how much he missed him. I think that has bothered me more than anything else. He misses his pop pop and I cant fix that. So i printed him a picture and let him pick a frame. poor kid lost two grandparents in a matter of three months. How do you help him deal with that. He starts counseling in two weeks. I think it will be good for him.

So I guess this funk will pass too.

divorced.... some other stuff....

from a few friends and i feel like a new woman. Funny how my heart has lightened. How my out look has changed.

i am glad I did what i needed too. How long do you let someone walk all over you? I was letting it happen. I wasnt sure why. I know why now though. I didnt want to have to work on my own stuff. If I had someone elses then I could avoid my own dirty work. That is no way to live. I am still in my own personal prison.

I have started my bucket list.
-i want to accomplish half my weight loss goal by the end of the year
- i want to be able to enjoy the holidays and miss my dad very little. i know this is what he would want
- to create meaningful lasting relationships
-to travel to somewhere fun
-to make sure that i have at least 15 minutes a day by myself to unwind
-to set my boundries
-to take time to write

there are other more personal ones. I have gotten a gym membership and hired a personal trainer so that is cool. i am going to start working with her next month. she is away this week.
i am planning a few trips. some with family some with the boys home by themselves.

We are going away frist weekend of december with some family friends. i am excited about that. i cant wait to go. I am sad that my mom is chosing to sit out. i really miss my mom. she is not the same. i know why. i just want a mom who has a intrest in her family and doing things with her family. I invited her to go away with us and there was no intrest what so ever. that bothers me why i dont know. my old mom would have been for it. My dad maybe not but maybe so becasue he and the boys could go skiing.

so that is where we are at

how to let someone know they are overbearing...

I am so tired of feeling pressured all around. I am so overwhelemed and dont know what to do. I have my husband demanding my attention. My kids demanding my attention. What the hell? When is there time for me to just sit and relax and think or read? I have yet to find that. i am still searching. Guess I will have to keep searching. That is ok though.

Paul and I joined a Gym today. I am so excited about that. I needed a motivator and am now glad I have found that. I am so close to being there. I am having to put my LA trip on hold but I am ok with that. I dont know why but I am. Gives me more time to save for it I guess.

Paul is one step closer to opening his own business. i am so very thankful that we will start having an honest income that we wont have to worry about. We are finally able to have a income that the state cant say we make to much. Thank God!!! i cant wait for that time. We get our insurance through the state and it is a constant battle. We cant afford it through Gates. He only pays for paul and we are looking at 500.00 a month for me and the boys. we cant afford that. So this will relive that stress from us. I am also glad that in a few years we wont have to work as hard to make money. Our money will be working for us. That is important to me and my family.

So I guess my question for today is how do you tell someone they are demanding to much from you????? I have yet to figure out. I am not giving the specific for personal reasons but I have two people that I need to tell to back off. How do you do it?

unsettled....

My life just seems unsettled right now. I am not sure why. I guess as things happen I will figure it out.

I am making changes all around. I have divorced some friends who were take take take. who have unrealistic goals in friendship. I feel better for it. Other friends I have been worried about. As they are facing trials and tribulations. Then there are just friends that I laugh at for hours.

I am making changes with in our home. I am working hard to get our boys to be better. Shame some people just dont understand them or their ailgments. We do the best with what we have. when you have doctors and teachers fighting you. You have family and friends fight you. You feel alone. i think that is what paul and i are dealing with at the moment. we have never felt so isolated and so alone in our craziness. We are making do.

I am putting up boundries with my mom. That has been very difficult for us. As I have always been family first. I know the challenges she is going to face. Right now she needs me to say no. My brothers need me to say no.

I have been having really weird vivid dreams. I dont know what it is but they have left me feeling unsettled as well. I am patiently waiting the second.

6 days that is it

Six days and I am out of here. I am gone on family vaction!!! Who can wait for that. We are trying to plan what we are going to do. I am looking at finding some cool places to stop along the way home. I think we are going to try and drive through the night. who knows. Boys are excited.

Tonight we have to go to target and buy the air mattress. and snacks and all that happy horse shit. Then Tuesday will be laundry day. Wednesday I will start the packing. Can we say excited. Nope I am not waiting last minute either.

off for some coffee and tea with Natali..

What is it about me that I get shafted?

I have a "friend" who for one reason or another always has some reason as to why she cant hang out. I had said the night before how much I needed this and was looking foward to it. I have been having a hard time with everything lately and it would have been nice to just cuddle up on the couch with a blanket a movie and bowl of popcorn and just laugh. I need to laugh right now. I havent done it in so very long. To the point where my sides hurt. I need one of those nights. Nope I think what pisses me off more is that I dont even get a phone call. I get a message on myspace. Am I not worthy of the phone call? I am just tired of my feelings being trampled over. I dont understand why it is so hard to find a good friend. One that doesnt live miles and miles away. Maybe it is me. Do I stink? Do I suck that bad as a friend. Well if I do I am truly sorry. In case you havent noticed I have 2 kids, a husband, A mom, Brothers, School and so much more. We are dealing with greiving people. I try and make time to send a email, a card in the mail, do a quick phone call. I didnt realize this was such a huge issue. People know they can call day or night with an issue. I would listen and help when I can. Yet for some reason my feelings dont matter. I am just so hurt :(

In other news my trip to California is looking better and better. We will be staying outside of LA. I cant wait. I am so excited for a girls week. Gives me something to look foward to. In just a few days we will be leaving for OH. I cant wait. I am so excited. At least i know i will laugh. Five kids and preggo lady how can you not.

Work is good. I enjoy them. It will be strange with how my schedual is falling for things to be a bit crazy. That i wont see them consistantly.