where to start

I am not sure why I have been blue the past few days. All I want is the best. I hope and I pray for things to change for our luck to change. I am not happy and I cant put my finger on it. I had a blast this weekend. I am hoping to do the same this weekend. I am not sure what it is going to take for things to change. How can you change something you cant figure out? I dont know if it is because I know we are ten months into this greif process and i know that the one year mark is coming up. I am not sure how to deal with it.

I want to crawl up in someones arms and cry but then get told to get over that. I guess that is the hardest part. I am so sad that I am having to deal with this. I want my dad back. I am tired of telling my boys that he is watching and we are ok. That things will be ok. I am tired of hearing Blake tell me he wants to die in home depot like his grandpa. I cant tell you how many times I want to scream that I hate him for leaving.I still cry and the pain is still sitting inside.

I cant tell you how many people I have told that they need to watch their warning signs. I have explained that my dad at 39 years old had a heart attack and he was as healthy as an ox. So stop being stupid and get checked if you are not feeling well. I hate feeling like this family is forever changed and nothing is going to be fixed back to the way it should be. How can I fix it. This is something I cant fix.

I miss the days where I could call him and just tell him something the kids said. Hey good job on the house. I miss his laugh the most. I miss hearing him laugh so hard that he is crying. He had the best laugh. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss hearing him tell my kids stories. I miss my mom laughing for real not this fake shit she puts on. I miss my mom being able to really enjoy life and not have this mask. I miss my brothers telling me something dad did to them or them having there guy time with him. I guess your ok for the few months before you hit the one year mark. I just miss the way things were.


I hate that everyone is just fine. Noone is ever great. I am thinking it is time for an up in my meds or maybe I just needed to air out some junk and stop trying to fix everything and really feel. My mask has to come down at some point right? We all have to face our heartbreak.

Thanks for letting me get it out if anyone reads this. I just needed to empty myself..