coping, finding strength...

I have had some emails asking me what we have been doing as the one year creeps up on us. It isnt creeping. We feel that our breathing is quicking, Our strength is depleting. I wake each with the image of my dad in his casket. I hear the the casket being closed and him intrapped. I cant escape these images. I talked with my brothers this weekend Neither one forget there last image of my dad laying on a cold gurney. These are images that will haunt us for our life times.

I feel alone in that none of my friends understand the loss of a parent. Yet I know some have and havent reached out. I miss my dad everyday. I am watching my mom fade. I am watching her trying to scratch her way back to us yet she fades futher away.

I watch my brothers struggle. I watch them cry becasue they miss their dad. I watch my sister in silence never once admitting missing him. She keeps it all bottled. I cry myself to sleep because our family with few issues is slowly being blown apart. You cant completely recover from this.

I try and talk to my husband he says to get over it. I talk to my mom but it does nothing to make us sadder.

I know he will not be forgotten. I have talked to many about his story and about the importance of really talking to your doctor and being insistant that they do what you want them to do to make sure you get your quality care. Could my dad have been saved had we known about his heart condition I dont know. Could circumstances be different I dont know. What I do know is that he wasnt acting sick. He walked a march of dimes walk the sunday before with my cousin Ronald. He laughed joked and played with my boys at nates birthday party. I talked to him Monday. So I dont know.

My thoughts are deep and private. I have been trying to find outlets.I just want us to truly be happy and not be fake. We have to plaster smiles on most days. Some days I just want to sit in bed and hide. I want to feel better both mentally and physically. I dont complain about hurting all the time while we try and find the best meds for me. I keep plugging along.

I ask for help. I dont recieve it. I ask for my kids to be treated better by other they dont get that. All I want is for our Normal to actually be a better Normal...How do you deal with that?

There are days that I am fine. There are days i in a horrid mood. We just cope with the best that we know how. That is how we are dealing... just keep us in your thoughts your prayers. We are approching May 7th faster than we have anticipated....